Byron dunn
"You must go now lad."  As a breath of cold air then hung in it's wake...

"But I don't want to go father." cried out Julius.

 "You are old enough now, Seven is just the right age."

"Please father don't send me away."

"I must! it's what your mother wanted, you must go now my boy, become a man you will."

 Is fathers head turned away unable to look upon is sons face.

"It be a great gift my son, your see," his father blurted out."

"And keep your hat on my son." is father gestured by pulling down an invisible hat upon is head.

 " No father please," as his son continued to plead as his tearful father turned, with is head down and went back into the small house.

A tall man in shiny Armour lent over the boy and pulled him up my the scruff of is neck on to the back of his  horse's saddle, with just one hand, the horse snorted and stamped its hooves down into the dark wet mud that splatted the horse's white fur and rode off into the early morning light,  that glinted on the man's round shield, that of a embossed lions head, his Armour clashed and clanged as he moved off at a slow pace towards the East. with Julius still pleading not to go...


Quote 0 0
thenovelfactory
Hi there,

Thanks for submitting your work!

Here are a few thoughts:

Positive:
Nice dramatic situation, and we get a strong sense of time from just the names and descriptions. Some nice visuals - the mud on the white horse, the embossed lion's head.

Room for improvement:
There are quite a few grammar and spelling errors, these need to be tidied up. The boy's speech is a bit repetitive. The tall man in armour seemed to appear out of nowhere, might be good to describe him a bit earlier.

Hope that helps!

http://www.novel-software.com
“It's extremely useful in organizing and making me think about what I write. The advice was invaluable, and the step-by-step instructions guided me extremely well through the writing process, allowing me to develop characters and plot a lot further than expected.” - See more at: http://www.novel-software.com/writingsoftwaretestimonials.aspx#sthash.0smYiFBM.dpuf
Quote 0 0
Byron dunn
Thank you so much, it was great to receive this, but I had no idea it would be see, but now I do, I will summit more in future, it was from a novel idea I've been working on for some time now, it was great to hear back with the pros and cons it being a first draft I'm really pleased with the out come and I will take what has been said and will hopefully nail it by the end.
Quote 0 0
Byron dunn
The story Ive been working on as changed many time, but the core as always been there here is another one I would like to hear comments on if any one is interested


                                                   The great fall.
                                                       Chapter


If the shock of finding all is food supply’s — gone, made him faint, the next few seconds would be fatal has he was now in danger of losing is life, falling from one of the highest point in Fanglore Forest would do that, Boos speed counted for nothing, his short arms and long legs useless to him right now, falling at great speed towards the ground in a matter of second he would be died.

Boo in the last seconds woke from is faze and reached out to a nearest branch as if by instinct, which redirected is fall by the smallest deflection, but enough to send him toward another branch that bent with his weight then catapulted him towards the murky waters of the misty marsh below.
 He landed with almighty splash into the dark waters, as is body hit the floor of the march bed, that consisted of decaying fish bones and thousands of  centuries of soot, wash down by the great floods each year, He bounced like a stone throw across a pond skipping, him at such an angle back to the surface and out of the water again towards the swamps edge, indirect line to a large leaf Alder tree which he hit at great speed.

  He lay there with is left paw bleeding, and some of his clothes tore from is blood soaked furry body and his sword belt gone to the depths, of what could have been Boos final resting place, he just laid there like a broken toy.


   Boos blood  trickled slowly towards the waters edge, then merged into a murky reddish brown water.
It wouldn’t be long before the monsters of the marsh came calling, hoping for a free and easy snack.
Boo was still out cold, when the first arrived.  
It slivered out of the water and followed the winding river of red as it made its way toward Boos blood stained paw then stopped, as Boo twitched suddenly, the Sniper froze, but then carried on up to the open wound.
 Two large fangs slid effortlessly out of its mouth when Boo grabbed it by its neck, as fast as the Sniper itself.

And in a croaky voice, said.

 ‘I wouldn’t do that if I was you.’ Has he released the grip on the creatures throat slightly.

         ‘ I wasn’t going to bite you.’ it said with a smirking grin.

‘ Oh you wasn’t huh.’  Boo in an instant shoved the creatures head in is mouth and bit its head off then spat it back out into the marsh water.

The other creatures from the marsh quickly returned into the depths not waiting to receive the same treatment as the Sniper.
 Boo was fading in and out of consciousness when he felt a large presents and then a shadow looming over him, but he had nothing left as he slipped back into darkness.
                                                     


Quote 0 0
thenovelfactory
Nice!

Here are a few thoughts:

Positive:
Interesting POV, lots of drama, lots of action, starts with excitement.

Room for improvement:
Same as before, there are quite a few grammar and spelling errors, these need to be tidied up. One thing I noticed a lot were a lot of long sentences, which made for confusing reading at times.

I have a few more suggestions as well...

I recommend reading this article: https://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/articles/writing-the-perfect-scene/
Then rewriting the above scene following the 'Small-scale Scene Structure' advice to the letter.

Also, while we do have a space here for getting critique on writing, it's not amazingly active, so I would recommend going to a different site for getting a better range and depth of feedback on your writing, which will really help you progress. My favourite one is https://www.scribophile.com/ 

Of course you're still very welcome to post here for critique : )

I hope that helps!


http://www.novel-software.com
“It's extremely useful in organizing and making me think about what I write. The advice was invaluable, and the step-by-step instructions guided me extremely well through the writing process, allowing me to develop characters and plot a lot further than expected.” - See more at: http://www.novel-software.com/writingsoftwaretestimonials.aspx#sthash.0smYiFBM.dpuf
Quote 0 0